April 2015
“I would like to report a murder. There is a murder being planned. The name of the murderer; I know the name. Pretended to be a friend. I took him in. But I was betrayed.
“I love living”, I told him. But he put me in the back seat of my own life. He took control. Slowly he took over altogether and put me in the trunk of my life. And then, when I could do nothing to prevent my own demise, he did it. His name is Ativan (also lorazepam) and he is dangerous. Careful with him. He is a sneak.
The important thing to remember is that this was a murder. I had zero choice in this decision. All I could do was delay it.
There is never a convenient time (to die), but I needed to exercise some control over Mr. Ativan. He is very arrogant and a smooth talker. His arguments are quite persuasive. “No sense in suffering, etc. etc.” he says. But I struggled.
I have no illusions about this. I want desperately to remain and watch the events of the world unfold and enjoy the years ahead. That’s what I want. But you don’t always get what you want. That’s life.”
“Masha’s” father’s life was destroyed because he followed his prescription for Ativan. She contacted the Benzodiazepine Information Coalition to share his suicide note, hoping to raise awareness about the dangers of prescribed benzodiazepines. She states that “My father is dead. He hanged himself in 2015. He was taking Ativan for anxiety, as was Chris Cornell (lead singer of Soundgarden). In light of Cornell’s suicide, also by hanging, I feel a duty to share my father’s suicide note. If this letter speaks to you, please share it.”
Masha’s father passed away in April, 2015 at the age of 68 after a struggle with benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. He was prescribed Ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety about 2-3 years before his death. Because of that prescription he experienced severe side effects that went unrecognized and was unable to receive any useful medical help.
He tried on numerous occasions to come off the drug, but each time he was unable to do so. Although not an addict, he went to a week long rehab program out of desperation and was seen by numerous psychiatrists, all who failed to provide him the help he so desperately needed. In despair from the horrible symptoms attributed to the drug, paired with Ativan doses unfit for many to withdraw from, he had numerous suicide attempts the last year of his life, and was ultimately successful. While Masha prefers to remain anonymous, her story was confirmed with real names and the obituary prior to publishing.
My father just killed himself 5 days ago. Between all his loved ones, we had it at a 0% chance that he would take himself. In his apartment we found the benzos. He was never a drug taker and it was obvious to us he was suffering a massive withdrawal to something he did not understand. We are all shocked naturally. These are very powerful dangerous drugs.
My 21 yr. old Son Jason lost his life to suicide after he was reinstated 3weeks into it, at 0.5mg 3 times a day or as needed. He did began to figure things out about benzo withdrawal syndrome. He died by hanging on July 12, 2018. His toxicology showed he had taken it as directed. He only had taken Lorazepam and benadryl for allergies. He was prescribed Lorazepam after Adderall XR for side effects of mild agitation or anxious moods. 5 yrs later he mentioned It (Lorazepam) began to make him feel weird then flushed his medication after feeling increases in anxiety with frequency of intermittent use of Lorazepam. He did mention he thought he had akathisia. He already had dystonia and tardive dyskinesia.
I still can’t believe that after all the exposees in the news and in other media outlets that the overprescribing epidemic hasn’t been addressed. I was taking small doses of xanax for several years. I quit cold turkey in late 2012 and still wasn’t feeling normal until sometime in 2016. It took me a minute to actually think that this would still be possible after all what I went through three years prior.
I figured that after telling my story of how horrible these drugs are and the other millions of people who had agonized through years withdrawal which are filled with unrelenting pain and horror that some attention would be paid to this issue.
But the collateral damage that the opioid crisis was causing during this period was a very good diversion. Don’t get me wrong, I had a big issue with the pain killers as well, but the benzos were the remedy to get through the withdrawal. Knowing what I know now, Neurontin aka Gabapentin would have been a much better and less dangerous alternative.
Even a well meaning doctor hasn’t been educated on the proper administration of benzos. Benzo withdrawal is a hell that few will ever know. I am particularly fond the expression, “I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy,” but knowing what a hell it is, I think that it would be a well suited punishment for some of this world’s most infamous evil rulers. Instead of cursing a convicted murderer or evil ruler to rot in hell, simply look to the lord and ask him to bestow the convicted a term of perpetual benzo withdrawal. That would be justice in a blood thirsty revengeful existence.
I lost my wife on October 17, 2018. I was working overseas when it happened. She had been going to numerous specialist for Nausea, Headaches,lack of appetite, insomnia, racing heart rate, hypothyroidism. All tests came back negative. I finally convinced her to check with her Psychiatrist. She had been on Ativan for at least 3 years. He told her the Ativan had ceased to work for her and switched her to Valium. 24 hours later she took her own life. No letter, no indication of suicidal thoughts, she just became a grandmother and was so excited. I cannot fathom the darkness that she must have experienced before the end. It breaks my heart even more to think about it.
I am enraged at the negligence of the medical profession for allow the suffering they are causing to people who trust them.
I still can’t believe that after all the exposees in the news and in other media outlets that the overprescribing epidemic hasn’t been addressed. I was taking small doses of xanax for several years. I quit cold turkey in late 2012 and still wasn’t feeling normal until sometime in 2016. It took me a minute to actually think that this would still be possible after all what I went through three years prior.
I figured that after telling my story of how horrible these drugs are and the other millions of people who had agonized through years withdrawal which are filled with unrelenting pain and horror that some attention would be paid to this issue.
But the collateral damage that the opioid crisis was causing during this period was a very good diversion. Don’t get me wrong, I had a big issue with the pain killers as well, but the benzos were the remedy to get through the withdrawal. Knowing what I know now, Neurontin aka Gabapentin would have been a much better and less dangerous alternative.
Even a well meaning doctor hasn’t been educated on the proper administration of benzos. Benzo withdrawal is a hell that few will ever know. I am particularly fond the expression, “I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy,” but knowing what a hell it is, I think that it would be a well suited punishment for some of this world’s most infamous evil rulers. Instead of cursing a convicted murderer or evil ruler to rot in hell, simply look to the lord and ask him to bestow the convicted a term of perpetual benzo withdrawal. That would be justice in a blood thirsty revengeful existence.
Benzo’s can be very helpful. There are many advantages to them, but not many are aware of the dangers and suffering, which is beyond description.
Benzos are designed for short-term 2-4 week use only. There really are not very helpful at all as they are band aids at best, masking symptoms. They don’t treat nor cure anything. They simply mask symptoms by down regulating Gaba receptors. Many, way more than reported, experience horrific withdrawal. I was one of those that did after 3 months or so of use. It is not fair nor accurate to say they are very helpful. Even for those that are able to stay on them long-term, they eventually stop working at the current dose (tolerance) and then withdrawal can set in for years. While not everyone experiences post acute withdrawal syndrome, many do and one is one too many.
I appreciate the awareness you’re raising, but this article should be updated to recognize that completing suicide isn’t “successful.” It’s a horrible misperception contained in a singular word. Like this man said, he didn’t “want to die,” neither do many who attempt and complete suicide. When a person dies by suicide, they have “completed a suicide.” There is nothing whatsoever successful about it.
I am truly a benzo survivor. I took benzos almopst every night, for insomnia. Never to “get high.” Over time, I slowly began to feel the effects, but as I did not know about benzo tolerance and tolerance withdrawal, I assumed I had OTHER medical problems.
By the way, I am an RN. Worked in hospitals, nursing homes, on an acute Psych unit and in a detox center. And never once did I hear or be told the truth about benzos. I honestly think no one in the medical community knows.
As the years passed, my health slowly declined. I had all sorts of problems. Fatigue, anxiety, tremors, my balance was poor and many other things. I sought medical advice and was told by various specialists that I had MS, Fibromyalgia, CFS, Parkinson’s and a host of other things. I guess I bought into this despite being a medical person. I began to lose weight. I got down to 85 lbs.
At that point, the 2 or 3 years before I went off benzos, I was falling. A LOT. Almost daily. I have osteoporosis, and in one fall I caused a neck injury requiring surgery. One one horrible fall, I broke my right femur, plus blew apart a knee replacement. It was a terrible fracture and the surgeons told me I might lose my leg. I didn,t but I will never walknormally again or climb stairs easily. One another fall, I broke my hip, requiring an ORIF to repair it.
Mty medical doctor was beginning to think it was my medications. At that time, I was on several hypertension drugs. I was on Flexeril. I was taking Klonoapin 6 mgs every night plus Ambien 10 mg plus Serzone and Zoloft. Every time I was in the hospital, my doctor refused to give me my benzos. I was also given an antibiotic that seemed to throw me into withdrawal. I was so frail mentally then that I juts could not see the big picture. I was scared and desperate to take my benzos.
My doctor eventually did figure it out. He called the prescribing Psychiatrist. Together they decided to cut me off abruptly. In July of 2012 I was forced to go cold turkey. I was also forced to go into a psych hospital for withdrawal.
I knew just a bit about benzo withdrawal. In Nursging School, we were told withdrawal could be dangerous because of seizures. I was led to think it would be like alcohol withdrawal. Bad flu like symptoms for a couple weeks. I thought I could handle that.
Over the next week, I was in acute withdrawal. After 4 days on the Psych Unit, I was discharged because my insurance refused to pay. I was sent home,
hallucinating and so paranoid that I hid in my bedroom for a long time. I had hallucinations of ALL my senses. Sight, hearing, taste, touch – you name it, I had it. Loud noises terrified me. The sound of my ticking clock almost unhinged me. I had many unpleasant physical symptoms as well.
My acute withdrawal lasted about a month and then it did not get much better for over two years. But it took me FIVE years to fully recover.
The only thing that saved my life was becoming active on BenzoBuddies Community Forum. I spent all day and much of the night there. I began to slowly understand what had happened to me. I learned how to cope with my dreadful symptoms. Sometimes, I honestly dont know how I stood it all. I know I did, because I am still alive. But to suffer so many scary symptoms for so long – is very, very awful.
I have now been off benzos and ADs for 6 years. I am 68 years old now. And I am healthier physically and mentally- the best I have been in about 25 years.
Benzos nearly killed me. I dont hold anyone responsible for this. There wold be no point in remaining angry. I just want to live, and gain some of the insights I missed while on benzos.
I know what you mean.I was on klonopin for 13 yrs.And weaned myself off in 2 years I had awful withdrawal symptoms mentally and physical .I had bladder issues,still having gut issues and blood pressures issues and a host of others.I havebeen off 4 years now and still have dizziness in hospital now for that.Chronic insomnia.It gets better and then it gets worse.But thank God I am still here and pray to get completely well.My birthday is coming up and I will be 72.We must never give up .
I know you are disappointed by the NBC news article that aired on Friday, but I want to let you know that it may have saved my life. Despite my repeated statements to many healthcare professionals over the past 7 months of “I feel like I’m going through withdrawal….I feel like I’m a junkie needing another hit of something…I feel like an addict…are you sure my medication isn’t making this worse?…”, I did not know that there was anything like benzo tolerance and benzo withdrawal syndrome. I was assured by multiple doctors that my medication was not the cause of my sudden descent into mental, emotional and physical hell that I began in November of 2017.
NOW…because of that brief and inadequate newscast, I FINALLY know what is going on. I spent the entire weekend, reading all the information you provided about benzo tolerance and withdrawal. I now have my first (albeit my own) diagnosis that actually lines up with ALL of my symptoms, not just conveniently with some of them. (I’ve been diagnosed over 12 times in the last 8 months…all with psychiatric disorders).
Please keep doing what you are doing. My life is worth saving (I am a mother, a professor, a CPA, a friend, a colleague…on the board of a community hospital!) and by you getting the word out…you will save more of us.
Thank you. I have a long road ahead of me, but now I know I have a road.
Sincerely,
Jenny C
Hello, I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been taking Ativan on and off for two years. I’m wondering what are the withdrawal symptoms when coming off this drug???
Me too. I’ve been off over 2 years and still suffering!!!!
Im three years off and I just started b12 3000 mcg methylated vitamin and it has cleared up most of my symptoms.
Are they better in some ways?
Cathrine go on line and look up benzo wise doctors. But still be careful some say they are but don’t really know….look up Ashton manual. She’s a big help…go slow turn to God for help…buckle down and fight the fight….you can do it and we all do get better…hang in you’ll be ok…do it slow as possible…listen to Ashton. ….read her story and benzo buddies. Also dr Jennifer Leigh’s story’s helped me….God bless. Lynne
I would greatly appreciate any help in finding a Doctor and Compounding Pharmacist who can help taper off Ativan. I live in Newtown Square, PA but I’m willing to travel out of my area if necessary. I want to cut back gradually on Ativan from 1 mg. to a 9/10 mg then after a couple of weeks 8/10 and so on. Can you give me the name/names of any doctor/pharmacist in my area who can help. Thank you so much.
Our experience is local docs all want him on suboxon (opoid another addiction) titrate off with a willing doctor following
Dry cut. Just look on YouTube for dry cut Ativan and buy a ten dollar scale. Easy then you control your taper.
This was almost me. I too took benzos exactly as prescribed and ended up with severe excruciating symptoms. I could not function. Couldn’t sleep or even think. Could do nothing but cry and lay on the floor on nerve pain agony. Countless doctors and therapists were absolutely useless. I always told them what I was taking and none of them connected the dots. I knew something was terribly wrong with me but try as I might and hard as I prayed I couldn’t figure out what. Meanwhile I couldn’t function. I came as close as laying the pills I would OD on out on my bed and tried to gather the courage to take them. The second before I did, someone came into my room and unknowingly stopped me. I can only blame it on divine intervention. In the end, I finally figured out for myself that it was the “medicine” and got myself off that evil stuff. Now, after many more years of suffering, I’m better. I never had suicidal thoughts before benzos, and I never did again after. I’m not sure why I’m still here and others didn’t make it. I can’t say I blame them in the least for their decision.